Sue's Sex FAQ

Sexual Abuse

Sex FAQs provided by Sue Johanson of the Sunday Night Sex Show.

Q. I am a survivor of long-term sexual abuse. The abuse stopped six years ago and I have had therapy since. My boyfriend knows about the abuse and is very understanding. However, it upsets him when I panic during sex, or if I don't get much pleasure from it. Is there anything I can do or say to make it easier for him?

A. To be honest, I am not as concerned about your partner's reaction to your panic attacks, I am much more concerned about you. Sex is part of your life and you are being denied that whole aspect of enjoying your sexuality.

It is not uncommon for a person (male or female), who has been abused, especially if the abuse continued for a long period of time, to respond well to counseling and therapy. You can move from victim to survivor, but the hard part is moving from survivor to winner.

I would really like you to go back into therapy with a skilled abuse counselor so you can move past these "flashbacks," which can ruin sex for you and for your partner.

Any touch, body movement, smell or sound may trigger these flashbacks. You may seize up, panic, cry or flee the scene.

Is there any type of sexual activity that is "safe" and comfortable for you, perhaps using a vibrator, manual or oral stimulation, maybe even anal sex? If so, while you are in therapy, focus on doing the "safe stuff" and refrain from anything that triggers an outbreak. Meanwhile, desensitization counseling will give you the skills to identify the onset and recognize this time it is consensual and you are safe from harm. You will learn stress education techniques, breathing, re-focusing and relaxation.

Gradually you will find that you can slowly increase your receptivity to different sexual activities without flashbacks. I would hope your partner would be agreeable to some conjoint counseling so you know he is supportive, enthusiastic and encouraging as you progress from survivor to the winner that you are.

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