Sue's Sex FAQ

Same Sex Issues

Sex FAQs provided by Sue Johanson of the Sunday Night Sex Show.

Q. I am a 19-year-old girl who is so incredibly confused. Over the last year my best friend and I have fallen head over heels in love. We are inseparable. We have been intimate, both physically and sexually. The only problem is that we are both females. I have dug myself in so far that I fear I may never get out. Honestly, I am in love with her.

A. Being in love is a beautiful thing. You want to be with that person all the time and you adore your partner and that adoration is reciprocated. The fact that you are both female is not really a problem unless you see it as a problem. In our society, in Canada, being lesbian is not the kiss of death.

You can be together, be seen publicly together, live together, and even have children together if you so choose.

Families may pose a problem. Some may see it as a sin; others may regard your relationship as "against nature." Time may be a benefit here, but they may never be supportive. This happens in heterosexual relationships too, and it may be difficult and painful but not insurmountable.

Where there may be a problem is in your statement where you say, "I have dug myself in so far with her that I am afraid I will never get out." I would interpret that to mean you are feeling trapped, forever locked in, this is it; this is my life, in this relationship.

Whenever people feel trapped, they automatically start to struggle to free themselves, and that will be damaging to your relationship. Your partner will sense your resistance and soon become convinced that you are not committed to this relationship. They, feeling vulnerable, will start to detach, withdraw and hold back on loving. This is a natural defense mechanism. Nobody wants to feel vulnerable and get hurt.

Can you be honest and tell your beloved that things are just moving too fast? You need some time to digest it and get used to this idea because this is such an intense relationship that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed. You are in honeymoon mode, which is lovely but it will take time for the mad passionate love to evolve to warm comfortable compassionate love that stands the test of time.

In all probability, your partner will appreciate this time and space also.

Q. What is the best way for a homosexual male to come out to his parents?

A. You know your family and how they feel about homosexuality. Are they the kind of parents that would say, "No, you are not gay? We are taking you to a psychiatrist to get fixed!" How would they react? Do they suspect already? Or will they be upset? I worry sometimes that people want to come out of the closet as a form of rebellion - the ultimate smack in the fact to their parents. Go and buy a book by Erin Marcus, it's called, "Am I Gay - 300 of the Most Common Questions about Homosexuality." Leave it beside your bed. Then let her bring it up from there. You know your mom; I don't. Tap into PFLAG for literature and printouts ready to give to them. Anticipate she will have trouble with this and be prepared. You can say, "Mom, I picked up these pamphlets because I didn't want to upset you and I really wanted you to know." I really hope it works.

Q. I caught my friend's two young boys kissing. Is this normal? I yelled at them and told them not to do it anymore.

A. At three and four they kiss the cat, grandma and grandpa. It is not sexual at all. It is just affection and a way of showing they like each other. It is just contact. It does not mean that they are gay. You don't have to give them a lecture saying, "Boys don't kiss little boys." They will get enough pressure from society, from school and from their friends.

Q. I am in a lesbian relationship. I heard that men sometimes tie off their penis to make it more pleasurable when they are having sex and I have actually tried using an unlubricated condom to tie off the end of my girlfriend's clitoris. She says it is enjoyable but we wonder if it is dangerous because after she comes she says it is a little sore and achy and she feels the sensation for quite a while afterward.

A. O.K. I have never heard of this before. Tying a condom around the base of the clitoris is going to be tricky. Now, I don't think it is going to be dangerous. But after 15 minutes, I would worry about the lack of blood supply to her clitoris. And, you know there are twice as many nerve endings in the clitoris as there are in the penis; you don't want to crimp them. When a female is horny her clitoris doubles in size, so, I wouldn't tie it off for too long of a period of time. I sure wouldn't do it for 20 minutes. Let's put the max on it of 10-15. Max.

Q. My 21-year-old son is not interested in the opposite sex but has a close male friend. Should I ask him if he is "gay?" My husband is from a very religious family and would be very disappointed although he would still love him. How can I let him know he is loved and accepted if he is homosexual or not?

A. To your question: Should you ask him if he is gay or straight, I would say, "No." Your son may be a shy male who is not comfortable around females, or he may be unsure if he is gay or not. Your question would imply that he is "different" and not living up to your expectations. Just accept him for what he is and where he is at this stage of his life. Welcome his friend into your family as you would any other friends of his.

But you can talk to your husband about HIS attitudes toward homosexuality, not his family, but him personally. Does he think it is a "perversion," against nature or a sin? Does he feel that it is his fault as a father, he wasn't manly enough, or does he believe that you are to blame, your genes or parenting? Those are important issues that may come up.

There is an absolutely fantastic book about homosexuality: "Is it a choice? Answers to 300 of the most commonly asked questions about gays and lesbians." The author is Eric Marcus and the publisher is Harper Collins. There is a wonderful organization for parents. It is called PFLAG; Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There are chapters in all major cities across Canada and the USA. They are a wonderful resource and a support group. Do check it out.

I love the old Beatle's song; Let it be, let it be. There is no answer, let it be.

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