It may be a cliché, but those three little words have an awesome power. Regardless of age, gender or cultural background, everyone knows exactly what a new bride or groom is talking about when they pull their hair and rant about their mother-in-law. Just turn on the television sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond for a glimpse at how ridiculous life with the in-laws can be. Comedian Ray Romano has made a career of mocking the trials, tribulations and jaw-dropping insensitivity of his TV parents.

Real life, however, is rarely as amusing. People dealing with an overbearing family member walk a fine line between saving their own sanity and turning every future reunion into a resent-laden nightmare. Whether it’s a new parent-in-law or an old blood relation, the trick to family harmony lies in the delicate art of diplomacy.

“You have to know how to set boundaries. This should really be done fairly early on, before the boiling point is reached.”

Susannah Dalfen is a family therapist with The Family Therapy Association in Ottawa. She says that couples need to decide together what sort of behaviour they will accept from each other’s families. Issues like visitation, accommodation and what areas of the house will be accessible should be agreed upon by both parties. Even more importantly – these boundaries need to be jointly enforced.

“There has to be a team approach, so one partner doesn’t get caught in old loyalties. But keep in mind that one person is very likely used to this behaviour.”

Trying to explain to your husband how hurtful his mother’s constant criticism of your cooking abilities feels might not be an easy task. A person who has spent their life listening to nagging and put-downs may not realize how painful it is for their new partner. Dalfen cautions, however, that regardless of how difficult a relative’s behaviour might be, your spouse’s affection for them likely runs deep.

“You do need to communicate the problem, but concentrate on not blaming the offending party to your partner. You don’t, for example, want to put your husband in a position of having to defend his mother.”

For those dealing with a relative on an individual basis, the same holds true.

“Very often people are unaware of their own behaviour. We usually don’t know how we come across unless we get feedback. But it needs to be presented in a non-aggressive way.”

Although hurling a dinner plate at your aunt Martha after she has once again asked about your love life may stop her prying, a more effective tactic is to have a calm, private conversation. Also, be prepared to scrutinize your own behaviour. For example: constant dinner table complaints of being unable to find a partner may lay out the welcome mat for well-meaning relations to critique everything from your fashion sense to choice of career.

Sometimes even the most reasonable conversation is not going to fix the problem. At that point, Dalfen suggests doing a “cost-benefit” analysis: take a hard look at whether the relationship is worth trying to maintain.

“If someone is being truly abusive, and totally disregarding your feelings, and if you feel you’ve made a constructive attempt to resolve the situation, it might be time to consider severing ties with that individual.”

That’s easier said than done. Luckily, in most cases, families can learn to at least 'agree to disagree'. “Family problems aren’t always solvable,” says Dalfen. “But talking with your relative is a good place to start.”