Competition is a part of life whether in sports, school or trying to get the last parking spot at a crowded mall--but one thing is for sure, you don’t want to see too much of that competitive green goblin in your personal relationships.

Tsahai Daley Grammenopoulos is a high school history teacher within the Toronto District School Board. Her husband--whom she’s known for 12 years--is a banker at TD Canada Trust.

“He is much more competitive than I am,” she says.

Presently she makes more money and receives raises more often than he does. Though they joke about who is in control from time to time, she says she gets the feeling he is competing financially.“He was raised to believe the man is the major breadwinner of the family,” she says.

“I would be okay with him making more than me so long as we had the same goals, and I could buy myself a new pair of shoes once in a while!”

Daley Grammenopoulos says she doesn’t think competition is healthy.

“It only leads to resentment and estrangement if it goes on too long,” she says. “The whole point of a relationship is to stay connected, and competition has the potential to drive wedges between people.” She says to avoid competition there must be acceptance and encouragement between parties. Thinking in terms of “WE” and not “YOU” or “I” leaves little room to one-up the other person.

Allan Skerrett, a psychotherapist with the Spadina Therapy Centre in Toronto, agrees and says that competition can be avoided by building a relationship of trust.

He also says competition is not usually the core issue in a relationship--it’s more of a symptom. Quite often there are other individual issues that need attention first, such as abandonment, closeness and control. He does say, however, competition is not generally found in families where authority has been delegated and roles have been agreed upon.

“Often conflict becomes competition,” says Allan Findlay, a Toronto social worker who has been working for 20 years.

The majority of his clients are couples, though he also counsels individuals, parents and teens.

He says in the first few years of most relationships, a power struggle might result as each partner works out his or her role or responsibilities within the relationship. These include: managing the family finances, managing in-laws, balancing friends and establishing a healthy amount of romantic activity.

“People are having trouble finding a way to make the whole better than the sum of its parts,” says Findlay. He goes on to say that many men still have the stay-at-home-mom and man-provider model in their minds, which doesn’t fit current circumstances or times.

He also says, “If you want something, give it to your partner, if he or she does not reciprocate, ask for it.” A married man of almost 20 years, he says as people grow and develop it is important to work on the relationship. Life together should not be a constant head-to-head battle.

“Being right is not really very important when it comes to partnerships,” he says. “Successful couples find, respect and embrace the complementary aspects of each other.”