For the first 12 years of your child’s life, you are the coolest thing walking — you can drive, you have all of the answers and you get to stay up really late. Then all of the sudden, you’re not so cool anymore. Read on for some tips from the experts on how to deal.

“If parents and other adults are doing it, it’s not cool,” says Sue Patterson, M.Sc, an educator who has counselled tweens and teenagers alike. Her husband Rick Patterson, PhD (Education), adds, “At about 12-years-old, when a kid goes into grade seven, the peer group and anything the peer group says becomes much more important.” Between them, the Pattersons have 60 years of experience in what’s cool and how to communicate around it.

1. Decisions, decisions
There are a lot of choices for your tween/teen to make about what and who is cool. “Help them with decision making - making the right choices for themselves involves you having faith in their decisions,” Rick says. “Even if it’s the wrong choice, that’s growing,” Sue continues. “They learn to make a different choice and move on”.

2. Shhhh, don’t talk!
What your tweens/teens are talking about, even if you don’t understand all of the words they use, is a way of processing what they’re going through as they develop. “Develop listening skills, and don’t be too quick to judge,” Rick says.

3. Watch and learn
Cool can become cruel when helping your tween/teen to become media aware and to question harmful messages regarding who and what is - or isn’t - cool. “Part of it is being aware of what they’re listening to, and what they’re viewing,” Sue explains. “It’s discussing what messages they’re getting from the media. In an age when society has used media as a babysitter, it’s important we’re available to discuss what they’re seeing”.

4. Within reason
Draw upon your own experiences as a former tween/teen and parent. “If they’re going down a path that will hurt themselves, intervene; for dressing differently, for fads, remember that kids do [eventually] re-enter the human race,” Rick says.

And when they do, they will respect you 10 years from now for allowing them their own adolescence, even as they inevitably point to photos and cry out, ‘Why on earth did you let me dress like that?!’