It was during one of our discussions about the pressures and obligations that made it hard for us to stick with our spending plans that we came up with the Rather Factor. As Robyn recounted how she’d shelled out close to $100 on an expensive birthday dinner for a friend of friend, she sighed and told us that she would rather have put that money towards the trip she planned to take to Paris. And the Rather Factor was born.

Once you start paying attention to your spending, you will be able to re-allocate your spending to direct more towards the people and purchases that mean the most to you and to cut back on those obligations that often leave you feeling frustrated at the amount of money you’ve spent.

Sticking to a spending plan isn’t about telling your friends, or yourself, ‘I can’t afford [fill in the blank].” It’s about making a conscious choice about how you want to spend your hard-earned money. No one—certainly none of us—wants to be the kind of person who adds up the bill at the end of a meal with friends, refusing to split the check since her entrée was $2 less than her friends’. And no one wants to be known as “cheap” or to miss out on invitations to dinner or to vacation with friends who assume you won’t be interested because you’re “on a budget.” The fact is: you can still get vacation rentals with friends or splurge on an expensive dinner. It’s your choice. This is just a matter of prioritizing how you spend your money. It’s about being in control of where you put your money, not being cheap.

Rather than thinking about what you aren’t buying now, focus on what that money you saved will bring you. Instead of buying another pair of black heels that you don’t really need, you can tell yourself, “No thanks, I’d rather put this $80 towards [fill in the blank]”

You won’t miss those heels, really. The satisfaction you’ll get from watching your savings grow (or your debt shrink) will far outweigh any temporary high you’d get from shopping. And so will the realization that you are firmly in control of your money, and each purchase you make—or don’t make--is a conscious choice.